by Charles DeBenedetto
(It is not scary. It is revolutionary. Photo
Credit: flickr.com)
When
I first came to Taiwan, I was quite nervous about using “squat toilets.” That
term is a little vulgar, so let’s use the term that Taiwanese people use, “Japanese-style
toilets”. I was afraid I would fall in, or miss, or that my underdeveloped leg
muscles would give out and I would have to cry for someone to help me up. It
was difficult for a while, but once I learned the technique, I never looked
back. Most public places in Taiwan have both Western-style and Japanese-style
toilets (to accommodate foreigners, or because of Westernization?), but I will
always choose the squatty potty. I know you are horrified, so please, allow me
to explain myself.
Prologue: The Technique
The
first time I used a Japanese-style toilet, I must have looked at it for at
least twenty minutes and still had no idea of how to use it. My entire life up
to this point, I had been pooing with my legs at a ninety-degree angle, so I
assumed that my position should be just like a sit-down toilet, minus the seat.
The result was that I was pretty much doing a wall-sit in midair, the kind that
we would do in high school while training for Spring Track and Field. Sweating
bullets and legs shaking, the last thing on my mind was focusing on the deed at
hand, so I gave up.
Another
problem. With your pants at your ankles, won’t you poo all over them when you
are squatting?? As the amateur I was, I would take off my pants and underwear
and hang them up before attempting to squat, which worked okay but was
extremely time-consuming, which definitely annoyed the Taiwanese people who
were next in line.
Finally,
I learned that squatting is not ninety-degrees, but a very deep squat. At
first, your leg muscles are weak, and cannot maintain this position for long,
but over time, it becomes so easy that you could do it all day. And in fact,
when there are no chairs around, Taiwanese people can often be found squatting
in groups because it is more comfortable than standing.
Once
you have mastered the deep squat, the problem of what to do with your pants is
solved by using one hand to pull them forward a little, and that’s it. After
you have learned the technique, the benefits of squatting slowly become
painstakingly obvious.
Defense Number One: It is more sanitary.
Everyone
knows the haunting thoughts of just how many dirty bums have touched that
Western-style toilet before you, and we all have wasted so much toilet paper by
covering the seat before we sit. With a Japanese-style toilet, your butt hovers
in the air, so you touch nothing that other butts have touched. Even better,
when you are done, you simply step on the foot pedal to make it flush; no hands
required!
In
Mainland China, they go one step further and do not even have doors on their
stalls. I believe the mentality there is that it would be dirty to poop, wipe,
and then touch a door, and although I can understand that, I would rather live
in Taiwan where people cannot see you defecate.
Defense Number Two: It is more natural.
Are
there any other animals other than humans who poop while sitting down at a
ninety-degree angle? No. Why? Because that curves the end of your tunnel, and
makes gravity work against you. I’m sure you have felt the frustration of
needing to relieve yourself, but having to strain heavily to get the train out
of the station. I have, too, but never with a Japanese-style toilet. When you
squat, your flight-path is vertical, a straight-shot, Geronimo. A light, gentle
push is all you need, and you’re done.
Because
of the naturalness of Japanese-style toilets, “squatters” have a lower chance
of such inconveniences as constipation, hemorrhoids, and incomplete bowel
movements. I have never experienced any discomfort while taking care of
business in Taiwan before, and I have Japanese-style toilets to thank for that.
Defense Number Three: It is humbler.
Why,
then, do so many of us want to sit in an unnatural way when we poo? I believe
it is because we want to pretend that we are not animals. We have
consciousness, we have invented airplanes and computers, and gosh darn it I am
going to poo in a way that reflects my superiority over other life forms! This
is hubristic, proud, and nonsensical.
It
makes sense that the Japanese would create such a natural toilet, as their
spiritual worldview, embodied by the Shinto faith, asserts that people and
nature ought to live harmoniously. To squat is to humbly admit that you are an
animal. A special one, surely, and clever, but an animal nonetheless. Coming to
this realization, you will be rewarded with good karma in the form of stronger
leg muscles and faster, smoother bowel movements.
I
realize that many of us do not think about all that when we decide to sit. Rather,
sitting on the toilet is a part of our culture that we hardly think about, and
when we experience constipation and straining, we just accept this as our fate
as humans. But this is not the way things have to be.
In
the West, you have very few options other than a sit-down toilet, but if you
want to try to emulate the naturalness of a squat toilet, you can put a foot stool
in front of you. While sitting on the toilet, putting your feet on the stool will
closer mimic the angle of squatting, and, while it will not be perfect, it
should make things easier for you. You can call it a “stool stool,” if you
will. I have yet to patent that, so I’m a little nervous to share this secret
with you, but here it is anyway.
* * *
I
mentioned that public places in Taiwan usually have both Western-style toilets and
Japanese-style toilets. You probably imagined a bathroom that is split half and
half, but often all but one or two are Japanese-style toilets. You must walk
all the way to the end if you wish to use the dirty, strenuous “sit toilet.”
Unfortunately,
“globalization” and “Westernization” are often synonymous, so I fear that the “squat
toilet” will soon be endangered, and perhaps one day even become extinct. But
maybe, during one of my future visits back to the USA, maybe I will walk past
all of the “sit toilets” and find, way at the end, a lone “squat toilet,” for
the occasional person who does not enjoy popping a blood vessel while pooing,
and who has achieved a higher level of poo consciousness.
Maybe.
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